“We were in some kind of place, like a jungle. He told us that he decided he wants to kill himself. At first, we couldn’t believe it and start arguing that he shouldn’t do it. Despite everything, we accepted in the end and let him do his will. Some of them couldn’t bear it and didn’t come to his last moments. The others, most of them, were watching terrified from the side. I wanted to be there with him. I entered to water at the same time with him and we made a few steps until the water was at the hip level. At that moment, I grabbed him by the shirt and turned him to face me. I pressed my forehead to his and start smiling in a sad, nervous way.
“You are never going to find love.” I say and swallow. ” You are never going to have children. You are never going to grow old. You are never going to discover new things, to explore.” At this point, small tears start falling off my cheeks. “Never going to find love. Never going to be loved” He started smiling the same way I did and cry as well. “You are never going to feel alive again. You are never going to be anything anymore.”
We were both crying and sobbing . My hands turned white from the way my fists were clinched to his shirt. My heart was burning and pouring. And then, at that moment, even thought maybe it was too late, he changed his mind. He decided maybe he doesn’t want to kill himself anymore.
Then I woke up and realized that I really cried in my sleep. My eyes were red and I was scared and visibly shaking. This little story that I’ve just told was my dream from the last night. It was so intense and it felt so real that I knew I had to write about it.
Most probably, this dream was influenced by the book I’ve recently read. “All The Bright Places” by Jennifer Niven. I’ve connected to this book in a strange way, something that never happened to me before. I felt everything that they felt. I’ve found normal everything that they did even though it was screaming abnormal from its every pore. It scared me and fascinated me at the same time. It was amazing and most people do not realize the fact that living and being alive are two totally different things. Trying to find a way to cure things like that is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. The cure is yourself. You are the cure, and accepting yourself and who you are is the first step to feeling better.
I really recommend reading this book especially if you are a teenager because you may as well rediscover some long forgotten things inside yourself while doing so. You are strong.
“I was alive. I burned brightly. And then I died, but not really. Because someone like me cannot, will not, die like everyone else. I linger like the legends of the Blue Hole. I will always be here, in the offerings and people I left behind.”
-Theodore Finch “All The Bright Places”